


Miles to Go

by Micheofftrash



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-03
Updated: 2017-07-03
Packaged: 2018-11-22 23:35:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11390751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Micheofftrash/pseuds/Micheofftrash
Summary: There is a profound difference between having no one and someone - even if it can't fix everything.[A dialogue-only chronological tale of two teenage boys doing their best with the hands they've been dealt.]





	Miles to Go

“Am I supposed to pretend I didn’t see that?”

“What- what?”

“You know, the part where you just tried to kill yourself.”

“I didn’t. I, uh. I fell.”

“And I’m the epitome of mental health. Let’s go Hansen, you’ll need that arm set.”

 

*****

 

“That’s the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.”

“The letters, they’re not that- that bad.”

“Hansen. It’s a little pathetic. Even you have to admit.”

“I guess, but, whatever you know? It makes my mom happy.”

“I don’t think therapy’s gonna work if you’re only doing it for Heidi.”

“Because you know so much about proper therapy?”

“Touché, Hansen.”

 

*****

 

“Hey Con- Connor. I was just wondering, well you see I thought that maybe – well no it’s dumb, never mind, anyway you know I can just uh…”

“Spit it out Hansen, or you’ll have an aneurysm.”

“Do you want to go to the orchard this weekend? They have- they have really great… trees!”

“The one they closed down? Isn’t that illegal?”

“Well, technically-”

“I’m in.”

 

*****

 

“Are you having a melt down?”

“No why would you say that I, just, there’s… pollen! In the air! I have… allergies.”

“… Right. Allergies.”

“…”

“Evan?”

“…”

“Hansen, you’re gonna match your breathing to mine, alright? In for ten, hold, and out for ten. C’mon, I’ll start.”

 

*****

 

“Was that your dad?”

“Why, did the intense screaming give it away? Larry’s having an episode, its whatever.”

“He didn’t mean what he- he said, you know. I know you’re not…”

“What, Hansen? Looking for attention? Haven’t you heard, I’m a fucking whiny rich kid who makes up his problems.”

“Connor, that’s- that’s not-”

“It’s fine Hansen. Wanna hot box my car?”

“I’ve never- I haven’t really thought about _drugs_ -”

“Evan. If there’s one man on the planet that could benefit from herbal supplements, it’s you. Let’s go.”

 

*****

 

“Are we… Are we friends?”

“Seriously, Hansen? We’re high as fuck, laying on fermented apples in a shitty abandoned orchard on a Friday night. If we’re not friends, this is just fucking sad.”

“… So if I were to, you know, say, ‘Hey that Connor Murphy kid, yeah he’s my- my friend,’ you would be… that would be okay? Because I have these voices in my head and they kind of just tell me things that may or may not be true and I – oh god that makes me sound- I’m not crazy, it’s just that I think too much and it’s so loud and…”

“You need to breathe Evan.”

“… Right.”

“…”

“So that’s a yes then?”

“Yes Hansen, now shut the hell up. I’m trying to imagine what the moon would look like with a wig.”

“I think she’d look beautiful.”

“That’s the spirit.”

 

*****

 

“Evan?”

“Connor? What- Is everything okay? It’s… almost three in the morning.”

“…”

“Connor?”

“Do you remember when we first met?”

“… Yeah, of course. Mrs. Fletcher’s first grade art class. You ate my clay frog and had to go home because you started throwing up.”

“How do you even remember-? Never mind. No, that’s not what I was talking about. That day in the woods near the ranger station. You plummeted to your assumed death and I played the hero. Ring any bells?”

“What does that have to do with-”

“Let me finish. Here I am, three in the goddamn morning, just trying to get some shuteye, and all my brain can think about is how you almost fucking died right in front of me. So- yeah. That’s where my mind’s at. Any thoughts on this development?”

“I’m… sorry?”

“You bet your ass you’re sorry. If I catch you doing that shit again… I better not catch you doing that shit again, Hansen. Alright? Despite the super cool, edgy image I have going for me, I really fucking care about you. So, if you off yourself I’ll be forced to break into the afterlife and beat you to a pulp.”

“That’s… wonderful imagery. Very poetic.”

“Don’t get sassy with me when I’m- I’m trying to be a good friend. Haven’t had to give a shit about anyone in awhile. I guess I’m out of practice.”

“… You know you’re the best friend I’ve ever had right? I’ve got Jared, and I know that he’s there for me, but he hasn’t- he doesn’t understand the- well now I’m selling him short, he’s a good friend and he’s always stood right next to me, or at least within arm’s reach – maybe a couple feet away now that I think about it-, but what I’m trying to say is that you, um…”

“Did you forget what you were going to say? I know, I have too many good qualities to list.”

“You know what it’s like to live wishing you were dead.”

“… Fuck, Evan. I didn’t realize we were talking about our mutual wish for nonexistence. Shit.”

“Too much?”

“No, no. Where would we be without crippling mental illness and a penchant for self-destruction? It’s good for the soul.”

“Connor.”

“Yes, dearest friend of mine?”

“I’d care if you disappeared. I’d care if you- if you ever…”

“…Thanks, Evan. I’ll see you at school.”

 

*****

 

“Evan Hansen?”

“Um, Yes? Hi, hello, yes this is- um, I’m sorry but who… who is this? I’m sorry, it’s just, this is my… it’s a funny story actually. This number, yes! My um- my caller ID said this was Connor? But obviously you’re not Connor. I obviously knew that!”

“This is Zoe. Zoe Murphy.”

“Zoe! Oh well… oh. Connor has… uh, told me- told me a lot about you.”

“He… has?”

“Yeah- yes! He said he was pretty excited to see your concert on Saturday. I not going – not because of you! I just- there’s this big paper due for AP English and my mom is making spaghetti so I- I’m sorry why did you call? Sorry.”

“Connor… he talks about you all the time, you know? I just thought you would want to know.”

“Know?”

“He’s in the hospital.”

 

*****

 

“Can you pass me my jello?”

“Connor.”

“It’s not the nasty orange flavor, right? God, that stuff is fucking gross.”

“Connor.”

“… Red’s the best, obviously. I can’t wait to get away from this shitty hospital food.”

“Connor.”

“… Evan. Can we just pretend for a little while?”

“…”

“Please?”

“… You want to see some of the pictures I took of trees last summer? They’re pretty great.”

“Fuck yes, lay them on me. I am always down for some tree action.”

 

*****

 

“Fuck you! Did you ever think that maybe I don’t want to get better?!”

“I just think that therapy could be-“

“Well no one asked what you fucking think, Hansen. I don’t know why I’d take advice from some suicidal freak that thinks he can control me. Everyone thinks they get to have a fucking opinion. You! My fucking parents! Zoe! And I’m standing here with bandages on my arms, and all I want is to do it again. Who’s going to stop me?!”

“Me! Connor, I’m- please you don’t mean that. Please.”

“I fucking meant it when I slit my wrists in a bathtub! Was that not enough for you people?!”

“Connor, I-”

“Get out.”

“W-wait-”

“GET THE FUCK OUT.”

 

*****

 

“… I’m sorry.”

“I know.”

 

*****

 

“I can’t believe this.”

“My mom is going to freak out. Oh my god.”

“She’ll kill me before she kills you, don’t worry. I’ve corrupted her little boy. Look at us, getting arrested for trespassing. I wish I could say this was the first time I’ve ridden in the back of a cop car.”

“…”

“Evan, breathe with me, alright? They’re not going to arrest us for stargazing in an orchard. I was joking- it was a bad joke.”

“I hate you.”

“Love you too, Hansen.”

 

*****

 

“So, how long have you been dating my brother?”

“What! Oh, no its not – we’re not like that, it’s… We’re just- we’re just friends. Not that I wouldn’t, you know, be _interested_ , it’s just that Connor is like, way out of my league and… um…”

“Oh god, you’re both hopeless.”

 

*****

 

“-And that’s- that’s why it’s my favorite, um, favorite tree. It reminds me of you.”

“Why? Because it's sad and sticky?”

“It’s beautiful.”

“… oh.”

 

*****

 

“Hey Hansen?”

“Yeah?”

“You’re pretty beautiful, too.”

 

*****

 

“Connor?”

“Evan, Its four in the morning.”

“… Right. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean… I’ll just go, goodni-”

“Now you hold on one goddamn minute. I didn’t wake up just so you could hang up on me, Hansen.”

“…”

“Did something happen?”

“… You would tell me if you didn’t want to be my friend anymore, right?”

“What?”

“You- you wouldn’t. Pretend. To like me?”

“Evan, what the fuck? I know I don’t tell you enough, but you’re like, my best friend dude.”

“Because I- I like you a lot and I just- you’re the best friend I’ve ever had and I’m such a _burden_ on everyone that I care about and- and my mom can hardly stand to be around me sometimes. That is, if she’s even home at all, and I couldn’t… do that to you. I’m just so useless – I’m, I’m sorry I shouldn’t have called I’m so stupid, god. I’m just going to go.”

“Evan Hansen if you hang up this fucking phone I swear to god.”

“Connor?”

“Stay on the phone with me, I’ll be there in ten minutes. Leave your window unlocked.”

 

*****

 

“So is Murphy your boyfriend now?”

“Shut up. No. I don’t know.”

“Well, from what you’ve told me, you had a mental breakdown and he came over to lovingly spoon you all night. That’s some Grade A Gay shit, with a capital ‘G’. The full homo.”

“That’s really helpful, Jared.”

 

*****

 

“It’s nothing much, just um, some nail polish and hair ties. I know it’s not- it’s not a lot, I’m sorry. It’s all I could really afford? Right now at least. But you look really cute with your hair up and I- well I mean handsome right? Not that I have been _staring_ or anything, God that makes me sound like a creep, I just mean that- that- um. Happy Birthday.”

“If, hypothetically, I were to kiss you right now, would you hypothetically kiss me back, or never speak to me again? Hypothetically, of course.”

“W-what?”

“Hypothetically-”

“No! I- wait, yes! I would- I would kiss you… back.”

“…”

“Connor?”

“Sorry, just mentally preparing for the best kiss of my life. C’mere.”

 

*****

 

“We are. Doing that again.”

“Right now sound good? Or did you want to schedule an appointment.”

“Shut up.”

“You gonna make me?”

 

_Fin._

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading.


End file.
